So Here I Am

White snow
Black desk
Silver keyboard
Thoughts
Here I am today
tic toc tac tic toc tac
making my inner soul heard
flowing through my fingers
a liquid crystal display screen
encrypted
being a part of, or determining a civilization
doesn't it sound so classic?

AW, February 10, 2010

(Re-) connection

Sunset's over
I'm walking under the broken streetlights
my lens would call this dimness as noise
dots, imperfections, lack of life
those are what is captured in the printed photographs

None sees the view as well as I could
None live my worlds

The moon's still hiding
I'm trying to figure out the constellation of the stars
There are always three dots in a row that I always see
but I have no name for them

None sees the stars the way I see them
None live my skies

I walk, I walk, I walk
I always greet the barren branches of winter as I pass by
I let them know that they might be cold and lonely but they're not alone

None ever completely understand this hollow universe in my soul
None live my mind

Reconnection
Me, my senses, my heart, my soul
Let the whole universe be somehow nameless
As long as I understand the meanings of its existence


AW - Albany, January 26, 2010, 1.26 a.m.

My Feather Dream

Somehow I want to fly like a feather
Unnoticed, carefree
And when the innocent hands found me,
they would still say,
"it's the feather of a swan - of a dove - or an eagle!"
Accepted as all I am and who I was, effortless at my side

A feather makes the meaning of a bird
The feathers bring the wings to fly while they protect
A feather falls with grace, without rush
A feather let loose without pain

When the rain falls and it's soaking wet,
the sunshine would quickly dry it up,
Really soon, awake and alive again it becomes
Recovered as it was before

A feather will never lose its features
A feather will retire and the new one will grow,
But without rush. Without feeling or causing any pain.
Gracefully. Silently

Somehow I want to bid a farewell like a feather
When I'm exhausted of the journeys and when the time has come
I simply drop off and the wind would carry me
gracefully descending, then resting

Somehow I wanna float in the air like a feather
It would swing smoothly no matter if the wind is harsh or tender
I let the gravity pulls me down
yet I will whisper, "no rush Mother Earth, I'll be where I will be"

And after all the journeys in the air
The feather will rest at the embrace of the mother earth
Disconnected from its previous world
Fulfilled was the meaningful duty.
No hurt. No pain of losing, both sides, just at the right time

The bird will still fly,
the feather would watch from below
Resting peacefully, solemnly...

-AW, August 08, 2009-

Then Let It Be

My little angel embraces my soul
Whenever I ask her about love,
She always says it's all around me

My little angel caresses my face
When the rays of morning sun comes
She lets me know that here and there,
I am in the embrace of the Almighty

The love of the Absolute Love
The light of the Absolute Light
Then I shouldn't be in fear nor feeling lonely

My angel took my hands and leads me to fly
then I see:
all the ground that I walk on is my hometown
all the places where life brings me to settle in is my home

I was born as a wanderer,
then my happiness is hidden at the secrecy of the places that I would see
If it means that I have to travel the world for eternity
Then let it be...

-AW, April 28, 2009-

X

Captivated
Decades of my life have been framed
To be accepted, I have to be X
To be loved, I have to be Y

Has it been my only way of survival?
Have I sold my soul?
Have I surrendered my future in some ridiculous auctions?
Have my hands been cuffed by fears,
Have I been so powerless?

No.
I refuse.
My life shouldn't belong to any box where I don't want to belong
My rights to be loved shouldn't belong to other's desire
My journey shouldn't follow other's travel plan if I don't want to
My freedom shouldn't belong to any hands;
But mine,
only mine.

- me in my rebel mood -
AW-Albany, NY, June 20, 2009

Dear Predators

Dear Predators,
If you think that it is a pleasure to grab me with your dirty claws,
With your nasty words and with your disgusting sights
I seriously think
that you are such pathetic testosterone-driven creatures
For man with dignity
would not need to work that hard to get some good catch

After all, charms are not at all about how macho you are
How big your muscles and your mouth are,
And how successful you might think
when you could make a seemed-to-be prey like me feeling sick
So may I ask you a question:
are you desperate, sick, or are you dumb?

Dear Predators,
I am not a piece of meat,
I am not your prey
Deep inside this skin, there is a human with dignity
There is a human being that lives not only for herself, her pleasures, her self-existence

There is a human whose life is as precious as yours
Whose womb and whose form are just like your mother's, your sister's, and maybe your wives
So if you love them,
You should think of them when your savage soul roars
But if you don't
break them free from the pain of shameful bounds
of being related to you


Dear Predators,
If you think I am weak, you are wrong
I would always speak up, and fight back
I would scare you out and I would make you feel stupid
I would walk my talk and I would make you feel sorry
I would break you and I would crash you down
Coz NO ONE, no one has the right to threat me, harass me or scare me

So you'll know the rule of the contemporary game
And you know what, I guarantee:
The big "L" is not marked on me!

*My message to the Predators, after 2 harassment incidents on Central Ave and Washington Ave, Albany - July 14, 2009
Ladies, fight back!

At the Face of My Faith

I'm not in any ways conforming you,
confronting you,
nor confirming to you
So I'll let you speak,
but I'm not listening to you

I'm in the space of my own
A humble hut that I call my palace of freedom
Where I feel the peace of being myself
and be with myself

I need not to hang on to regrets
for what has been done means the vanishing stories
I need not to hold on to bitterness
because today's flowers are too gorgeous to miss

Then I would turn my tears into sparkling dew
My sorrow turn into the contentment
My happiness is here
My life is now

My hope is here
Standing still and stronger

Times and tears have washed away my pain
and after all, I know I've done my best
and that way, I've never been the loser
At the face of my faith...

AW, Albany, April 28, 2009

My Solitary Love

Hey,
don't hurt me
don't touch me at the place where I used to feel hurt
you wake those pain up
and I don't want to be, for the last time wounded

I am me, and I am special
it takes time to build the special me
and it's still fragile

But I guess you just don't see it, no?
for my agent of pain is invisible
and you would insist
that it's not your fault to get me into the hurt

I am me, and I am special
a wise man I know told me,
I shan't count on others to make me feel special
yet I'm yielding to a little respect

A little apology, a little understanding
a little recognition that I am outstanding
won't make you a dishonored warrior

But I guess that wise man was right
I should count on to none
that little understanding should come from my dear heart
and so should that recognition

If none embrace me with his love
then it's me who has to embrace it
if none understand me for being myself
then it's me who has to understand first

Then,
I should protect me
I should love myself
then none's going to hurt me, not you, nor the past
for I am, the honored warrior of my heart...

Sunday, January 11, 2009 at 1:19am

Being Loved by You

Ya Habibi,
It's been so long that I haven't feel you so close
Face to face in lonely night like this
I feel that I can talk to you,
With you

Ya Habibi,
I miss the nights like this
Having our private rendezvous,
When you are actually so busy with millions of request from the others' prayers,
I feel so special because you spare your ultimate time with me,

Special because I can hear you say that I am the love of my life,
That I am loved,
That You love me.
When it's cold, I have you embracing so close
When I feel weak, you hold my soul so gently

Ya Habibi,
allow me to say what is in my head today:
I miss sleeping under your black sky with those sparkling stars
I miss to see that big arch of rainbow in the sky
I miss to hear the ocean kisses the shore with its passionate rush
I miss to wake up at the sunrise then dance in the tide

Cherishing the lights that you lend to my life
Washing away my fears and worries
Feeling your liberation
Realizing that you make me feel tall
Talking with you while everyone else is deep in their sleep
Crying in your embrace,
Telling you that I feel weak
Letting you know that I am scared

Screaming to you that I don't feel like moving on
Murmuring my pain
Asking you whether I would be alright
Asking you to take care of the people that I love
Describing my dreams
Listing down my life options,

And wondering:
Will tomorrow be a better day?
Will I be loved?
Will I be accepted?
Will I be able to dance and sing again in morning tides?
Will I see the beauty that I saw before?
Will my life be okay?
Will I be in places that would make me feel happy?
Will I see my friends again?
Will there be a brave warrior saving me from my agony?
Will I be a mother?
Will I be healthy?
Will you allow me to travel the world?
Will I be good?
Will You always love me, Habibi?

And among all those questions, I know only one answer:
YES, You will always love me
Because You are Ar Rahmaan, because You are Ar Rahiim
The Love, the Compassionate One
Because You are my designer, my creator,
thus You understand me perfectly

Then I know that now I can sleep peacefully
Because after all,
There's nothing to worry about,
And nothing else matters,
But being loved by only You, my Almighty!


AW, August 26, 2009
4th day of Ramadan...

Reminiscence

Do you want to remember,
or do you prefer to forget?
Exist, or vanish?
Preserve, demolish?

If remembering tears you apart
If the supposed-to-be existence is a shadow that you can't touch
If the memories are such the warm breeze that you can't embrace
If looking back breaks your heart,
Do you want to forget?

In the pieces of you, his substances exist
The shadow falls from the reflection of your inner light
In the warm breeze you inhale his scent
Looking back, you see yourself smiled
Would you still try to forget?

If remembering can bring me back then to the innocence
When love is nothing but the warmth that washes my soul
The cloud beds that craddle my sweetest dreams
The possibilities, the joy, the hopes, the sparks
I wouldn't want to forget

If remembering can bring me back the hopes
That I could see again my future with a person
building a life that is not just about me
sharing the love that is not only about posession and jealousy
holding a hand that I would hold until it's old and wrinkled
caring and loving unconditionally
then I don't want to forget

Funny to realize that hopes lied in the past,
What I used to believe is what I want to believe,
In this empty present I seek for fulfillness from the no-longer-exist-fulfilled past
Then would I,
In my reminescence,
Move forward?

*for those who's still anchoring their future at the past...
AW - Albany, August 27, 2009

*Rem•i•nis•cence
Pronunciation: \re-ˈni-sən(t)s\
(From Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
Function: noun
Date: 1589
1 : apprehension of a Platonic idea as if it had been known in a previous existence
2 a : recall to mind of a long-forgotten experience or fact b : the process or practice of thinking or telling about past experiences
3 a : a remembered experience b : an account of a memorable experience —often used in plural
4 : something so like another as to be regarded as an unconscious repetition, imitation, or survival

Steady

Cold as ice,
Lonely as the slopes after the blizzard
Some says that the snow is more lonely than cold
But for me it is both

Crystalized,
I don't want to flow no more
Stubbornly sticking to barren lands
Sitting still

I am tired to be transported by the heat
moving up to the sky, light as vapors
happily reunited
then crushed by the wind

And fall
And flow
And separate
And being the stranger again

I might look strong enough
Flowing to the ocean,
miles away from distant mountain springs
Yet I am exhausted

It's been taking so long
It's been too far
Only for a reunion, warm air - colorful corals
Then again the life circled, self-powerlesly?

I am too tired to move
To form and deform
To flow, to rise, to fall

So in the cold I will stay
I wish it would be winter everyday
Let me be solid, steady, shiny, dangerous, slippery
Then people would take me seriously
And let me be safe from getting hurt,
From the acquaitances and valedictions

Cold as ice
hard as rock
sitting, watching beautiful aurora at the Artic sea
steady,
somehow lonely.

AW, Albany, August 28, 2009

Rumah

Rumah
Tempat melepas rindu
Menghapus lelah
Tertidur lelap
Terbangun dengan senyuman di wajah
Tempat bebincang tanpa jengah
Tempat untuk pulang tanpa pernah merasa bosan

Rumah.
Bila hari ini aku merasa tak memerlukannya,
Haruskah aku berpikir bahwa ada yang tak sempurna?
Biarlah orang-orang yang merindu segera kembali dari perantauannya
Kembali ke rumah masa kecilnya atau membangun rumah barunya
Namun izinkan aku bertahan di sini sedikit lebih lama,
Melihat musim berganti dan diriku jadi lebih bermakna
Sesungguhnya, aku lebih bahagia dari yang kalian kira

Jangan tutup pintunya karena aku masih akan pulang,
dan aku tak ingin mengetuk saat datang
Jangan tutup tirai-tirai jendelanya
Karena aku mungkin akan melintas, mengintip ke dalam bersama matahari
Jangan kunci gerbangnya karena aku tak mau kalian terpenjara
Sehingga kita makin berbeda dunia

Rumah.
Meski aku jauh,
tak berarti aku tak mencintainya...

AW, January 7, 2010

Bumiku

Aku ingin terbang melintasi awanmu
Menapaki semua tanahmu
Menyentuh hijau alammu
Selalu

Aku ingin menatapmu tanpa cela
Mengagumimu dengan seluruh indera
Tanpa harus merasa
bahwa aku akan menghilang perlahan bersama waktu

Bila detak detik yang telah Gusti hibahkan untuk bersamamu sirna
Aku pasti akan sedih luar biasa
Jadi, hari ini,
Kaitkan kelingkingmu di jelingkingku
Tatap mataku,
Maukah kau berjanji untuk selalu jadi bumiku?

Akankan kau ijinkan aku berpijak
Ijinkan aku duduk
Ijinkan aku terlelap
Ijinkan aku tertawa
Ijinkan aku berlarian seperti gadis kecil di masa laluku?

Kulihat tapak-tapak kakiku di gundukan salju
Besok mereka tak akan lagi ada di situ
Dan saat musim semi tiba
Aku terlalu takut bila Bumiku tak akan lagi mengingatku

Bumiku tetaplah ranah yang sama
Angin, matahari, panas dan hujanlah yang membuatnya berbeda
Memahat kisi-kisi bukit
Membangun lajur-lajur sungai
Dan nasib yang dititipkan Yang Kuasa, membuatnya punya cerita

Bumiku, meski demikian,
Aku juga talah belajar bahwa ingatan dan rasa akan luruh
Seperti putih butiran gula tebu berpadu coklat warna teh
Sehingga
Bukan bentuk dan warna yang tertangkap saat menatap hari yang silam
Namun rasa: manis yang bercampur dengan wangi dan getir
Cair, mengalir, menguap atau menghilang
Tak ada yang sama hari ini atau esok lusa

Aku tahu Bumiku,
Sepertinya saat ini aku masih harus jadi pengembara
Jadi, hari ini,
Kaitkan kelingkingmu di kelingkingku
Aku berjanji akan selalu mengingatmu dengan senyum
Meski aku mungkin tak akan lagi ada saat kau terjaga

AW, 7 Januari 2010

Resurrection

Sure I used to fall
Sure I used to lose my mind
Sure I was lost
Sure I was sad
Sure I was disappointed
Sure I was broken
Sure I was shattered
Sure I was dying
Sure I was ever buried
In the very same soil that nurtures the grass, daffodils and willows
the low, temporary, crooked
yet they live and breathe

Sure I am incomplete
Sure I am weak
Sure I am insecure
Sure I can't have it all

I only have two hands
I can't hold the whole world
but I have had more than enough to be grateful for

Then the incompleteness finds its antithesis
The notion of weakness is expelled:
with these two tiny hands I've grabbed so much
more than what I actually need to feel fulfilled

Besides,
I am the sole owner of my own-self,
a self that is larger than life
a self that is so close that I sometimes forget
a self that is high, permanent, steady
a self that can bend down low, a self that can flow, a self that can stand straight
a self that I love, a self that I live

So, rise up
Be happy.

AW, January 26, 2010

So Let Me Wish

My beautiful man will love me for who I am
He loves my stubbornness
He loves all my curves
He never compares
He never complaints if I'm to fat or too skinny
For him, I am the best woman he has ever had

My beautiful man will say that I am beautiful
First time in the morning after he wakes up
And the last time in the night before he sleeps
For it's his heart who speaks
not the ears that is dumbed by a blaring insecurity nor selfishness
not the feet that have been overshadowed by past regrets
not the eyes that have been blinded by heavy make up or fake boobs

My beautiful man will hold my hands
When I just walk in the park, along the beach
or beneath the city lights
When I am smiling or when I am sad

My beautiful man would cherish every moments that he spends
When he's with me
When he misses me

My beautiful man will take care of my disease
He caresses me everyday
Saying comforting words until I recover
While love sparkles in his eyes
I will be safe and secure in his company

My beautiful man will understand me
without me having to shed any tears begging him to understand
he never silence me
he understands
he appreciates me
he listens to me
he comforts me
he respects me
he is steady
he is sure
he is certain
he is mature
he is brave
he knows what he wants
he knows what he needs
he knows what it takes when he choose to be with me
then he walks with me, hand in hand in liberty
he would be my lover, my best friend, my mentor,
my hero, my savior

My beautiful man knows how to be a man enough for me
Naturally, he was born with that quality
And one day God sends him to me
We are meant to be

AW, January 24, 1:41 a.m.

Hari-Hari Perempuan

Kelembutan
terajarkan, seharusnya sempurna
seorang perempuan bertutur
berjalan tertunduk
mendahulukan lelaki
meski surga kelak ada di telapak kakinya
bagi anak-anak yang terlahirkan
setelah ia bersama dengan seorang lelaki

Berjalan dalam ingatan
lelaki yang tak baik
adalah lelaki yang tak cukup dibahagiakan
karena perempuan yang tak cukup baik

Dan bila dia cukup cerdas buat menyanggah
maka tak selayaknya dia berkata tentang yang dirasa
karena perempuan adalah kelembutan
dan kelembutan bermakna tanpa perselisihan

Saat dia bersinar
yang menatapnya berkata
"demi kebaikan kami,
kalian tak selayaknya membuka diri"
"kalian tak selayaknya keluar malam-malam"

Bolehkan perempuan menjawab
"demi kebaikan kami, jaga pikiran kalian"?
atau,
"nafkahi kami selayaknya, maka kami tak harus bekerja sampai malam"?

Ah, perempuan,
sungguh sulit membuat mereka yang perempuan
maupun yang tak perempuan mendengarkan

Sungguh sulit,
saat masing-masing kaki berdiri di rumah dan di jalan

Ribuan perempuan berdiam di rumah yang sama
tak pergi karena mencinta
bertahan karena anak-anaknya
meski tersayat kulit dan hatinya

Masih diam dalam gelap,
dalam kuasa-kuasa yang seharusnya menyinari jalan
tak banyak perempuan
yang telah berdiri dalam terang

(Satire. Tertulis di hari Kartini di Paris yang berlalu tanpa kebaya, dan setelah berkunjung ke blog seorang mantan putri Indonesia yang meributkan putri Indonesia lainnya. Menyedihkan. Dalam kuasa yang dimilikinya, dia tak pernah benar-benar bicara untuk putri-putri Indonesia sesungguhnya, yang tinggal di panggung kehidupan)
AW, Friday, April 21, 2006

Aki No Hi

Merah
Daun-daun luruh bersiap untuk mati
Merambahi bumi bertebaran seiring angin

Saat matahari menyepi
Tak ada yang mau hinggap di sini,
Semua beranjak pergi

Dan bila kematian terlihat indah
Itulah paradoks kehidupan
Menanti tak bermakna tanpa menjalani
Sesungguhnya ada saat kutak mampu berpindah
meski aku benci hari ini

Cokelat
Dan daun-daun membusuk di atas bumi
Hutan jadi sepi
Saatnya dahan berderak tenang menantang langit
Sendirian, tanpa daun atau burung yang biasa menemani

Tak ada nafas kehidupan hari ini
Dan angin menderu-deru,
Bertanya pada bumi apa di akan mampu
Hidup kembali setelah musim ini
ada saat kita tersakiti
tanpa mampu beranjak pergi

Aki no hi
Repetisi.

*Aki no Hi = hari musim gugur
AW, September 2007

Dan Dia Menatapku

Hatiku beku
gelincir licin tanah yang mengeras di Roche sur Foron
atau Paris pada suatu pagi

Aku rindu butiran salju saat pagi di jendelaku
Putih yang bersih, indah dan damai
Dan dia menatapku
Tangannya seperti akan merengkuhku

Hatiku beku
Seperti jemari yang kaku
saat jejak tertera di Carroussel du Louvre
Di hari yang mendung dan Eiffel tampak kelabu

Dan dia berjalan mendekatiku
Matanya seperti akan memelukku

Hatiku beku
Seperti angsa-angsa yang enggan terbang
Atau pohon yang tertidur tanpa daun di dahan
Menggigil tanpa selimut, berterpa angin


Aku kehilangan cara
Menatapnya kembali dengan cinta
Memaafkannya
Tanpa hendak tergelincir atau kembali tertikam

Aku kehilangan nyawa
Mimpiku berada di dekatnya telah paripurna

Aku kehilangan jiwa
Menangispun hanya tersisa keluhan lirih
Dia kembali, mendekat padaku

Terlambat.
Jiwaku telah tiada

AW, September 27, 2007

Selamat Pagi, Kekasihku!

Memahami hari
tubuhku mengisut

Mulai tak tampak meski aku berdiri di ujung jalan
Dia yang kukenal melintas tak lagi membagi sapa
Aku tak terlihat meski pagi masih benderang
Dan saat malam senyap bahkan teriakanku tak lagi terdengar

Bagaimana aku bisa berharap mereka menyapaku ‘selamat pagi’
Bila meski aku tampak ganjil pun
Tak ada yang bertanya kepadaku
"mengapa kamu berdiri di situ ?"

Merutuki hari
Mungkin tubuhku tak indah lagi
Atau nasib baik telah menepi
Lelah singgah di hati rapuh
Atau jiwa yang membusuk dengan sakit hati

Kupikir aku telah lupa bagaimana seharusnya aku tersenyum
Dan benarlah adanya, tubuhku mengisut
Dalam balutan massa jiwa yang mengerdil
Aku terpaku di sini

Memaki hari,
Mengapa mimpi-mimpi tak juga terpenuhi
Padahal aku cuma kangen kecupan ringan di pipi
tepukan hangat di bahu
dan ucapan
"selamat pagi kekasihku!"

(rasanya aku makin menua...)
AW, Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Randomize

Random feeling
as Jakarta is washed by rain
and step by step I know that I will meet you again

I remember when we cuddled under the pouring rain
I remember when autumn breeze caress our veins
I remember when we watched the waves, the sun, the ocean

Random feeling
and you look always the same
my heart beats as it was again

Yet a different story is told
you are far, far out of reach
As what I have supposed to realize
After one, two, three years

I will never be good enough
Even I might have been a Goddess somewhere in some other space
Still, seeing you again waives me a bitter sense of loneliness

You are part of the past
when my inner willingness would love to drag you
"be part of my future smiles, my hope"
My whisper's gone

I miss being under the rain with you
I miss the silent moments before the sunrises or sunsets with you
will you be again there someday?

Randomizing my expectations
Maybe that's all I need
You are a random figure in my mind
Now


(but still, I miss you)

AW, one day in April 2007, when rain poured over Jakarta and life looked too random to comprehend

He Is...

He is
too charming to ignore
too unforgettable to forget
too lovely to hate
too wise to argue
too delicate to leave behind
too sad to remember
too hopeless to hope for
too far to reach
too perfect for the imperfect me

He is precious.
Maybe that's the only conclusion
He is out of reach
Maybe that's the only regret I own

AW, April 24, 2007

Priaku

Priaku
Memaku tatap
Merengkuh bahu mungilku
Mengucap salam
Aku memejamkan mata

Dulu,
Sapa untukku lebih dari itu

Mentertawakan hari
Membalas pandang
Sesekali beradu kata

Dulu,
Kata-kata untukku lebih dari itu

Aku masih mengenang matanya yang penuh cinta
Tatapannya yang teduh
Dan rautnya yang menenangkan

Dulu,
Wajah teduh itu menatapku dengan penuh cinta

Aku mendengar kata-katanya
kupejamkan mata
Alunan yang sama, hanya hari ini tanpa cinta

Dulu,
Suara itu membuatku tersenyum bahagia

Bila boleh aku berhitung
Aku ingin menghitung hari-hari yang mungkin kulewatkan bersamanya

Bila boleh aku memohon
Aku akan memohonkan saat-saat sederhana bersamanya

Bila boleh aku mengucapkan harap
Aku berharap waktu membeku saat dia di hadapan

Bila ada keajaiban
Aku ingin cinta kembali hidup di genggaman

Memaku tatap
Merengkuh bahu mungilku
Mengucap salam
Aku memejamkan mata

Dia di hadapan
Priaku tak lagi priaku
Dia menggenggam tanganku
Priaku tak lagi priaku
Bahkan waktu tak kunjung membeku

Priaku dulu, kini sahabatku*

*Ketukan jantungku masih seperti saat itu. Tahukah kamu?
AW, April 24, 2007

Serupa Nir-warna

Sewarna kelabu
menemukan diri terkadang begitu melelahkan
Hari ini aku ingin bersandar
menjadi rapuh dan merepih
atau menangis saja perlahan-lahan

Sewarna ungu
aku tak ingin bangun dan merasa kecewa
melihat hari-hari yang kabur atau mencela
sekedar merasa terkurung, merana atau tiada
Hari ini aku ingin berbaring,
terus pejamkan mata atau memalingkan muka

Sewarna merah
aku ingin mengungkapkan marah
meliar atau membabi buta
mengucapkan segala yang terdesak, mendesak atau didesakkan
Hari ini aku ingin berteriak
terus berteriak sampai dadaku terasa lega

Sewarna kuning
aku ingin membara
menghidupkan hati yang hampir punah
hari ini aku ingin terbangun
membuka mata dalam rasa bahagia

Sewarna putih
aku ingin melapangkan dada
membakar habis gelisah dan kerinduan
menyingkirkan jauh-jauh perasaan lama
melupakan cinta, melupakan keinginan, melupakan perjuangan
atau melupakan hidup

dan putih, biarkan putih saja yang meraja
biar saat ini aku tak lagi bicara tentang hari, tenggat dan makna
biar saat ini aku tak mengenal keharusan, kewajiban atau harapan-harapan
biar saat ini aku hidup untuk aku
biar saat ini malam atau siang menjadi milikku
biar tak ada lagi tanya, sesal atau pujian

Biar aku menjadi aku
Putih saja, nir-warna
tanpa warna, mungkin hidupku lebih damai dari sebelumnya...

AW, April 24, 2007

Selamat Pagi, Tuhan

Selamat pagi, Tuhan,
Aku merindukan kata-kata cinta,
keberadaan, dan kasih yang terejawantahkan
Bukan kata-kata yang terucap lewat telepon malam-malam
Atau pesan-pesan yang menjemukan,
ajakan kencan atau tatapan sayang

Aku merindukan yang bisa selalu ada
Saat aku butuh atau tak butuh
Saat aku terisak atau terdiam
Saat aku tertawa dan berbagi matahari yang cerah

Selamat pagi Tuhan,
Tampaknya aku benar-benar kesepian

Hari berlalu, Kau tak tampak namun selalu ada saat kurindukan
Mengisi hati saat kesepian
Saat mereka yang pernah mencintaiku melangkah, menjauh perlahan-lahan

Dan aku berdiri dalam senyap
Di situlah kutemukan keberadaan-Mu
Keabadian-Mu
Kesetiaan-Mu
Menemani malam-malam kelam

Seandainya aku bisa memelukmu Tuhan,
dengan tubuhku Kau akan kupeluk erat-erat
Kurebahkan kepala, kudamaikan hati,
kuhentikan Tanya yang tak pernah terjawab
Mengapa mereka yang berkata mencintaiku tak bernah datang saat aku sangat, sangat, sangat kesepian…

AW, November 29, 2007

My Solitary Love

Hey,
don't hurt me
don't touch me at the place where I used to feel hurt
you wake those pain up
and I don't want to be, for the last time wounded

I am me, and I am special
it takes time to build the special me
and it's still fragile

But I guess you just don't see it, no?
for my agent of pain is invisible
and you would insist
that it's not your fault to get me into the hurt

I am me, and I am special
a wise man I know told me,
I shan't count on others to make me feel special
yet I'm yielding to a little respect

A little apology, a little understanding
a little recognition that I am outstanding
won't make you a dishonored warrior

But I guess that wise man was right
I should count on to none
that little understanding should come from my dear heart
and so should that recognition

If none embrace me with his love
then it's me who has to embrace it
if none understand me for being myself
then it's me who has to understand first

Then,
I should protect me
I should love myself
then none's going to hurt me, not you, nor the past
for I am, the honored warrior of my heart...

AW - Sunday, January 11, 2009 at 1:19am

Indigo

Seandainya yang tersirat adalah apa yang akan dialami
dan kebijakan telah mencukupkan dirinya untuk menerima
terbukalah jiwa menghadapi segala

Saat aura biru memancar, berpendar di ruang-ruang hampa
bila nasib telah terkatakan dalam akal yang terbuka
bila bicara pun sanggup dilakukan sambil mengatupkan mata

Semesta telah jelas terlihat
tanpa harus bergerak dengan raga

Indigo,
saat keajaiban Maha Kuasa teranugerahkan,
hiduplah demi segala kebajikan!

AW, September 30, 2005

Adhining Kanugrahan

Adhining Kanugrahan
Mencintaimu
adalah saat perasaan tulus tertemukan
gambar-gambar kita tersenyum di pelabuhan-pelabuhan
kini membuatku diam dan termenung

Kau tak lagi sedekat itu,
meski angan-angan bersamamu terus berjalan
mengikut, merunut
saat-saat ketiadaan jadi ada
bersama matahari yang terbit dan terbenam

Seperti hari yang berputar
yang ada pun kembali dalam tiada
tapi aku bahagia melihat kelebat kilasmu
dalam gemerlap

Dan matahari seperti menuntunmu ke langit
kini, kulihatmu di awan-awan
begitu putih, damai dan tak terengkuh
keindahan di atasku,
terlihat cuma saat aku tengadah

Hidupmu tak lagi setara di raihanku
bahkan sesederhana mengajakmu berlarian di rerumputan
tak lagi semudah saat kita bercinta di taman-taman kota
saat malam-malam musim gugur membekukan kita

Aku mencintaimu,
kuupayakan dengan cara yang berbeda
agar mimpi yang pernah nyata
tak membuatku merasa kehilangan saat kini aku terjaga

Biarlah api jadi api,
dan bara tetap hangat
tanpa harus menerangi

AW - Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Azzura

Tak pernah kaupengaruhi bumi
untuk sewarna denganmu
mawar putih tetap putih
meski kau merajai langit

memandangimu adalah imaji keleluasaan
damai yang menghembuskan awan putih melayang-layang
menaungi burung-burung yang melintas
untuk kehidupan

kau tak seangkuh wajah matahari
yang merubah wajah bumi
sekehendaknya, saat merah merekah
atau lembayung saat dia lelah

kau bertahan dalam keagungan
tanpa memaksakan

Azzura : kebebasan dalam damai!

AW - May 02, 2004

Sabar

Sabar.
waktu aku masih kecil,
ayahku selalu mengingatkan :
"sabar itu pikir"

Tulisan itu ditempel di meja belajarku
dan tiap malam saat aku pusing
atau ingin menyerah
tulisan itu terbaca tepat di depanku

Ya,
saat aku dimaki,
aku berusaha diam dan berpikir
dan orang-orang berpikir bahwa aku sabar

Ya,
saat aku ditinggalkan,
aku berusaha diam dan berpikir,
lalu menangis diam-diam
dan orang-orang berpikir aku sungguh sabar

Namun aku berpikir
sabar itu berat
dan rasa berat itu membuatku bisu
tak berucap meski manusia normal lain akan memaki
atau meratap keras-keras

Tapi aku merasa
sabar itu sungguh menyiksa
karena sesungguhnya amygdala tercipta
bukan hanya buat menerima perintah cortex
tapi juga menjalani fitrahnya

Ah,
sabar itu pikir
bahkan untuk bicara tentang ketidak-sabaran
aku harus menulis sepanjang ini...

AW-October 03, 2005

Mengapa Wanita

Mengapa wanita dianugerahi tangan yang lembut,
sepasang buah dada,
sebuah rahim,
mulut yang kadang bicara lebih banyak dari laki-laki,
Mengapa wanita punya perasaan yang peka?

Wanita adalah cinta pertama semua manusia
dengan tangannya yang lembut,
dia memberikan kekuatan
mengalirkan bahasa cinta,
membelai, memeluk, menghangatkan
dengan tangannya yang lembut dia berkata pada bayi yang ada di buaian;
"Ibu mencintaimu, ibu akan selalu menjagamu"

Wanita adalah keindahan
seiring jantung yang berdetak-detak,
dari buah dada itu mengalir kehidupan
kesadaran akan keindahan rasa saat kulit yang hangat berdekapan,
bayi di pelukannya tumbuh dalam kehangatan

Wanita adalah ladang
menahan rasa sakit setiap bulan untuk belajar
benih-benih kehidupan ditanam, lalu tumbuh dalam rahim yang mungil
mendepakkan kaki-kakinya di dinding, atau berputar-putar,

kemudian dalam kompilasi seluruh sakit yang telah dipelajarinya,
wanita mengirim benih yang telah tumbuh itu
untuk hidup dan melihat bumi

Wanita adalah guru pertama semua manusia
kata-kata dan perbuatan terangkum dalam jiwa benih yang tumbuh di rahimnya
mulutnya adalah guru,
sekaligus pagar pelindung yang menjerit
menghentikan langkah-langkah kaki mungil yang berlari mendekat bahaya

Saat menumbuhkan manusia,
kata-katanya membangun pikir,
memberi makna tentang baik-buruk,
mengantarkannya dalam mimpi indah bersama dongeng yang dibaca sebelum terlelap

Wanita tahu saat bahaya mendekat
Wanita tahu saat belahan jiwanya menangis
Jiwa yang peka membuatnya tahu apa yang harus dilakukan
buat bertahan hidup dan memberi kehidupan...

Puisi lama yang tertemukan
ditulis di Champs sur Marne, France, 27 Februari 2006